It’s been a long time coming, this place that I find myself this morning.
The need to fix us was slowly murdering me.
The understanding has saved me.
Pouring your pain and trauma and anger and self hatred into me is the only way you found to survive
to make sense of the world you live in
to put out the fire of unbearable pain day after day after day.
Just like I had nothing other than addiction and shame and self-hatred
Until I did.
The pain is the thing.
It is a matter of life and death for you.
Same for me.
And that’s what it’s always been.
I get it now.
Returning over and over again and again
pouring love into the places where the hate spilled out of you
hurt both of us, drove the wedge deeper, made it all so much worse.
I kept us mired in the abuse and pain.
I did that.
Today I’m setting us both free.
I’m letting go of the hope that keeps me stuck, keeps me checking my email, picking up the phone
wishing for something that can, literally, never be.
I’m saying goodbye to the voice in my head that tells me to just be what you need me to be.
I’m saying my last prayer for you.
In a moment, when the screen goes black and I get up and walk outside
I will continue to understand and will have forgiven you.
